Stripped Back

Written by Kevin Gosden, father of Andrew Gosden who went missing in September 2007.

It is 17 years since Andrew went missing.  For various reasons, my wife Glenys and I are refurbishing half our Victorian mid-terrace house.  A well-meaning friend told us recently that it must be good to feel that we can “move on” by including Andrew’s old room in this process.

We have removed picture rails, rewired, replaced damaged floorboards, and even removed the lead piping for gas lighting that was under the floor.  The old furniture is gone, new cupboards installed, the walls plaster skimmed and coving added.  The paint Andrew chose as a boy (blue) has been stripped off and the room has been stripped right back and is being slowly restored.

As for “moving on”, we find ourselves intending to choose a new shade of blue for the walls and soft furnishings and to include some pictures (e.g. see my blog) and belongings of Andrew’s in the final stages.  A missing loved one is not something that can be moved on from: we simply find ourselves another year on, with no clue where or why he went off that day, let alone where he could be now, even if he is alive.

It feels as though your life has been stripped back.  Everything you expected to happen never did, or if it did, not in the way you expected.  And now another year farther away from a possible clue.  This hurts, in the most unimaginably painful way, all the time, every single day and in some ways that hurt becomes worse as more time passes.  It feels like we are trapped in an unending nightmare rather than moving on, let alone being restored and improved.

This doubtless sounds bleak to any reader and this is why, as usual, I wish to encourage any reader to support the charity Missing People, who support many families like ours in many ways.  One of the most important ways to help is to share their appeals for missing loved ones via social media.  It costs nothing, yet may save a family or individual from a huge amount of pain.  Similarly, make family and friends aware of the Helpline (116 000) so that they can seek support with any aspect related to missing, even if it is to talk through the feelings associated with thinking of going missing.

This feeling of our lives being stripped down year in and year out can seem unbearable and never-ending, but there is an amazing source of support available and I can promise you that it is free, confidential and that you should have no doubts as to the value of making that call, or contacting them online or via text.  For us, the pain may never end, but it does help to have someone at your back supporting you.